Possible post-breakup thoughts: Where did I go wrong? I know it’s the right thing to do, but I miss them! or I can’t believe we stayed together this long! After a bit of time passes, you may think: Was it really that bad? You begin to recall a deluge of positives, asking yourself why you gave this former partner up so easily. Some regrets seep in. More time passes, you’ve moved on and you’re happy, and you wonder why you were with them in the first place. You reflect on the trying aspects of your relationship. Maybe you feel at peace with the whole thing. Eventually.
Before the emotional rollercoaster of the breakup and it’s aftermath, anticipating how you would feel post-breakup was also full of it’s own stress and likely, inaccuracy on some level (ex. I will never love again!). This may have dragged out the breakup process. It may have added fuel to the fire or built up anxieties. Breakups are taxing, in part, because losing any attachment pinches hard. We may try to avoid this pain by staying with someone even if it no longer works.
The comfort of the familiar, even if the familiar is not something you want anymore, is difficult to release. We may keep someone around for old time’s sake or because they’ve always been there. Sometimes people become the wallpaper of our lives, just as our stuff does. Breaking up with our stuff is a similar process: the constant questioning, the procrastination, and the discomfort of un-attaching ourselves. There’s fear that we will regret letting go of an item. Occasionally a memory of it may prompt such regret (even though it’s just passing) which makes us even more weary of letting anything else go. So many times I’ve asked clients: Why are you keeping this? Their answer is: I guess because I always have. Even though they don’t have a specific reason for it’s utility, these can be painful partings. Emotions are high and the energy to overcome is easily avoided.
Often we keep the relationship, or the stuff, instead, at least for some time. Only through the practice of letting go and making healthy choices do we fully understand our strength and see the positive outcome of our perseverance. We can do this by acknowledging our emotions while invoking objectivity to see the situation in 360 degrees. In this way, we can persist past the pain.
Sometimes we’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the shared values that are paramount to our world view and lifestyle. This leaves us in a stressful situation at minimum; an untenable situation at worst. A battle must be fought regularly outwardly or inwardly. This is not unlike keeping items that don’t represent who we are, or that we identify with too much. If you are keeping unhealthy beauty products or items that make you feel shameful, but are at the same time promoting health and wellbeing, there is a disconnect. Disconnects can be felt on some level, even if they aren’t fully recognized in our day-to-day lives.
Sometimes we keep stuff from our past relationships. Aside from a few objects of sweet memory, this can lead us to holding on to the past. The past pulls us down and keeps us from the lightness and freedom of less stuff. This is what happens when we breakup with a person but hold onto the idea of them or what we once were with them.
Examining the similarities between breakups with others and with our stuff illuminates the way we bind ourselves to external things. While human connection is central to life, the more that we look outside of ourselves for identity, comfort, and validation, we become less self-aware and more removed from our true essence. Just as one must be whole and in love with oneself in order to be loved by and love another, we can see how this plays out in our homes and with our stuff. We tend to choose better partners and healthier relationships when we have a healthy and whole relationship with ourselves. We hold on to less possessions when we don’t need them as stand-ins for status, smarts, identity, or comfort.
Investigate your relationship with stuff just as you would any of your current or past relationships. Dig deeper to find the truth and resist the comfort of the familiar for the sake of itself. Remind yourself that just as you were able to move past relationships and grow as a result, so too can you with your stuff.