Family is so … familiar, and our creature comforts extend to the family traditions that we hold dear to our hearts. By the very nature of them being traditions, they may seem exempt from analysis. I would posit, instead, that there is no intrinsic value in and necessity to retain traditions despite cherishing many myself.

For example, my family made up a silly song and dance when we were all young. Despite my siblings and I being in our 30’s, we still sing this song during a rite of passage or rare moment that my nuclear family is alone. It’s harmless and grounding; a way to hold true to our past and each other. The fact that it’s a tradition (and one we created!) adds to its specialness while not making it mandatory to continue.

I love family traditions like our song, but I’ve also asked my family to rethink some traditions that are less in line with my values. This was tough.

Every Hanukkah, my extended family would get together to pass out presents. My grandfather typically led this, followed by others in the family after he passed away or when we couldn’t all be together. Each person brought each person a gift, beautifully wrapped. As time passed, I didn’t feel that this aligned with my values, despite its fun. I have fond memories and enjoyed some of the gifts and the way all the presents sparkled on the fireplace. But as my values evolved, I couldn’t reconcile the two. The wastefulness of the wrapping, the time spent buying gifts, financial obligation, and the understanding that many of the gifts likely went unused by the recipient were enough to make me pause.

On birthdays when I was younger, the birthday kid chose what my mom made for dinner, and she always knew our favorite dessert. The lights were dimmed while the cake was brought out filled with lit candles, and the birthday song was sung. Everyone would give cards and gifts and the birthday kid would read the cards aloud. I loved this sharing and the creativity that went into our card writing and making; the love that shined through. But the presents were unnecessary, especially as we got older. There were pieces of this tradition that aligned with all our values and were joyous, but each element wasn’t necessary to display family cohesion.

Talking to my family about my difference of opinion was difficult but I reminded myself that we each have a responsibility to stay true to our values, even if they initiate others’ discomfort. Speaking up for oneself within a family dynamic can also cause stress, as we tend to forget that even as adults, sometimes we still feel like children. If a tradition is based on love and togetherness, then undoing traditions that no longer serve have the opportunity to be based on that love and understanding as well.

Think about your family traditions and how they align with your values. Consider how some traditions, like those during the holiday season (ex. Black Friday outings), contribute more to wastefulness and consumerism than to strengthening family bonds.

The fault in family traditions is that we accept them all at face value. We stick with them because they are comfortable. We feel uncomfortable about the potential confrontation we’d have with family members to change. We assume we are alone in our questioning. We don’t want to make waves or seem unloving. 

I invite you to rethink these assumptions and creature comforts this holiday season, and with respect to all family traditions. Our histories are important and lovely to reflect upon, but we must evolve and continue to grow toward a more sustainable and meaningful future.

Learn more about The Darker Side of Gift Giving and the difficultly with such traditions in my TEDx Talk.